During a recent dinner, I started to talk money with a friend. He is the bread winner, and his wife stays home with their two children. The conversation turned to salary and he disclosed how much he brings home each year – about $10,000 less than I do – and how funds are really tight. A sudden guilt washed over me and I wanted to pay for his meal and every meal for the unforeseen future.
The entire drive home, I couldn’t stop thinking about how my friend had four mouths to feed and four bodies to clothe, and I have one. A thought came to mind:
How should I talk money with friends?
I started thinking about previous conversations, and how whenever we made plans he’d always offer up the suggestion of a meal at my house or his. I don’t think much of it, assuming he and his wife just want me to see the kids on a regular basis. More often than not, I always convince them to leave the kids at home and come out with me.
My friend’s intention in mentioning his salary did not have a hidden agenda, it was simply giving his situation context. The fact that I feel guilty at all might mortify my friend. Still, questions swarmed in my mind.
What if they don’t want to eat out because of finances?
Do they feel pressure to say yes to last week’s movie?
Should I offer to pay for half of the babysitter fees?
During our conversation, I did not tell him my salary. He didn’t ask, and I didn’t feel comfortable. I also didn’t think until later to tell him that we don’t have to spend money when we spend time together. It is more important to me to see his family than try the newest restaurant.
I’m not sure how to bring the topic up again without making my friends feel uncomfortable. We don’t regularly talk money but we have been friends a long time, so I don’t think they would feel like I was being disrespectful. I’m just not sure of the best approach.
So, I ask you. What do you think?
How should I handle this situation?
Do you talk to your friends about money?
And what about being on the other side of the conversation. If you are the frugal one, could money be hurting your friendships?
Welcome to Bargain Babe! I’m Mara, and I’m so glad you’re here. I am an obsessive bargain hunter and penny pincher, and I am determined to live a full life without EVER paying full price.
One solution, to give the SAHM a little bit of a break, is to offer to have pizza (that you pick up!) at their house. We have 8 (!) kids, so we NEVER go out. My husband has a friend in a religious order (yeah, I know, vow of poverty…. but he goes out to eat literally every night). When he would come to town, the two of them used to go out to eat together; he would pick up one and my husband would pick up the next. But then Father realized that I NEVER get a break from cooking, so he started to offer pizza for us all, and then, so they can have some quite conversation, they go for a walk and maybe have some coffee. And when he comes to visit us for the holidays, I cook a big spread so he can have a traditional home-cooked meal.
This sounds like a great compromise you have going on here, @Sarah!
Why do you feel the need to bring the subject up again? It’s not a regular topic of conversation, so let it go. Your friend and his wife made a decision to have the mother stay at home with their kids. They are well aware of the financial aspects of the decision and feel it is the best choice for their family. Bringing it up again could make it seem that you think their situation is problem that needs to be fixed, but it’s not. It’s really just a life choice. You are now aware of the financial situation so act accordingly. Suggest activities that are easier on the budget.
@Kathy I agree completely! I think Megan shouldn’t bring it up – her friend didn’t disclose his salary to beg off expensive outings. But now that she knows the number, and more importantly, that her friend’s finances are tight, she can be more agreeable to meals at home with them or other cheap outings, like coffee. Or even look for free ones – hikes, picnics, playdates at the beach or park.
Save movies and restaurants for other friends who like to do those sorts of things!
Thanks for your views on the situation, @Kathy and @BB! That helps!
Be as absolutely honest as you can. Let them know that the conversation on his salary gave you a lot of food for thought. Actually tell him that you did not mention your salary because you make more and didn’t want to sound like you were bragging. Tell them that spending time with them is much more important than where you go or what you do. Sarah’s idea of bringing pizza is a good idea or perhaps planning a day at the park potluck style– you bring a large sub sandwich and the drinks and/or desert and they supply the side salad or chips or whatever. Since they have kids, perhaps the kids can help plan the next get-together (maybe each kid gets to choose the meal in turn– with kids you’ll get a lot of pizza choices LOL). Your honesty will allow them to open up. I bet they will appreciate you all the more for it.
@Marilyn F. Hmmm…your comment made me pause. I agree with @Kathy’s comment above to let it go, but being totally honest is not a bad approach at all. It depends if Megan feels that she can have this honest conversation in a supportive way, or if she feels it will embarrass her friend and his family (and possible herself, too!)
When I don’t know how to resolve a situation, I ask myself what I want the outcome to be. Then I work backwards to find the steps that will lead me to that outcome.
@BB ~ Your last paragraph interested me. Can you think of a situation you’d be willing to share? I might want to try it but can’t imagine how it would work in theory. That’s why I asked about a specific situation. Or, here’s one: The outcome would be getting a raise. What would your backwards steps be?
@Diane Great question! I usually use this strategy when trying to get my husband to do something. Hahaha. But it also comes in handy in many other situations. You ask about getting a raise. If my goal is to get my boss to give me a raise, I would ask myself, what would make her give me a raise? Are there specific criteria she has? Could I ask her what those criteria are? Are there things I’m doing that might work against me if I asked for a raise? Is there research I can do to show I’m underpaid or work I’ve accomplished that could justify a raise?
Do you see what I mean?
While I love this approach, too, I still don’t think I would disclose my salary. I might just say, “Our conversation got me thinking about how much we are spending when we hang out, and I feel we should start getting more creative with some free or cheaper options. What do you think?!” That addresses the situation without putting anyone on the spot. Plus, no matter what my salary is, I could always look to spend less, too!
Thanks, BB. Essentially, I do the same thing but in a forward direction. As I see it, you work from right (goal) to left (steps to reach goal), and my m.o. is the opposite. I don’t know how clear that is, but In theory, at least, we’re doing the same thing.