Do you pay for poor friends? Via Shutterstock
I have a friend who doesn’t earn much money at his job. I know this because he’s fairly open about his expenses, and of course I love to talk about money too, so from time to time we’ve talked about how we manage our money, what our big expenses are, and what we’re cutting out of our budget. We’re both pretty frugal and that’s part of the reason why we get along so well. My friend will often bow out of expensive get togethers with our group of friends without making a big deal of it, but I suspect the reason is often money.
Should I pay for my poor friend?
I debate this constantly. Should I offer to pick up his tab? I’ve seen updates on his Facebook page that said “The spending has got to stop.” I feel bad that he has to miss out on some of our get togethers because of money, when we could spot him $10 or $20 and it wouldn’t have a big impact on our budget. (Though we are trying to eat out as infrequently as we can!) I could do it in a discreet way, or even offer to take him out when it’s just the two of us. For instance, what if I said, “I’d like to treat you to lunch. What do you say?” Do I need a reason – like a birthday or some special milestone? I’m not talking about lavish gifts, just $10 or $20 bucks here and there.
Is it ok if one person in a friendship treats the other – without it being reciprocated?
I mean, there have got to be friendships were the money is super lopsided. (This isn’t my situation exactly, but I’m sure it exists.) Does the person who makes tons more money automatically pick up the tab? Seems the older I get the more income disparities I have in my relationships as some friends pursue high-earning careers, while others go into teaching, social work, assistant positions, and other relatively low-paid jobs. You don’t stop being friends with someone because their lifestyle is different than yours – so how to you handle the price of getting together? Splitting the bill among equal earners is tricky enough as these ladies discovered.
I’ve heard the advice, and probably given it, that when getting together with friends on a budget, it’s best to offer free and low-cost options, like a trip to the beach, a hike, or backyard playdate. But it’s hard to ALWAYS stick to that guideline. Plus, it’d be nice to enjoy a special treat with him, like a shopping trip or dinner out. I wouldn’t think twice about treating my little brother or sister, so why is it so thorny to treat a friend?
Would offering to pay for him damage our relationship?
That’s what’s really at stake. If I say something, then I can never take it back. I have worried in the past that money has harmed my friendships. He is a good friend of mine, and I’m only trying to help. Still I wonder if I should keep quiet, knowing that he knows best what he can and can’t afford, and trying to change that isn’t going to help long term. So what do you think?
Welcome to Bargain Babe! I’m Mara, and I’m so glad you’re here. I am an obsessive bargain hunter and penny pincher, and I am determined to live a full life without EVER paying full price.
I believe in pay it forward! Some day your friend will be in a better position and hopefully will do the same thing for someone. What you give comes back ten-fold. I would do it occasionally. Follow your heart.
@Maureen Me too! I love pay it forward, especially when it is my husband chipping in around the house! 🙂 I think occasionally treating him is the way to go. I love what you said – Follow your heart. It’s something my yoga teachers have said repeatedly.
Although I like this idea, my friend in particular does work but doesn’t pay bills on time , including rent. My friend also wastes money. She doesn’t make a lot of money but I don’t believe all the people “ helping her “ paying her tab, are actually helping her to grow up.
I agree about paying it forward. I’ve been on both ends of this—when I was out of work people would offer to buy my dinner or movie tickets when groups hung out. Externally it was hard to accept the generosity because I felt guilty. But now that I’m on the other end and can pick up the tab for my cash-strapped friends I find it’s really no big deal and actually I LOVE to do it. I look back to the times I refused someone’s offer to pay for me (and instead just sulked at home while friends were out having fun) and realize I was probably blocking the blessing that the giver would have felt by being able to help. I think you should offer to pay for your friend, but also don’t be hurt if he refuses or is slightly offended—its humbling to be a grown adult and not be able to “keep up with” your friends. True friends will see beyond the pride and accept the gesture as the love it was intended to convey.
@Kelly What a beautiful message you’ve shared! I agree paying for another adult can be a sensitive issue and it has to be done discreetly and respectfully. But you are right- giving to others creates such a lovely feeling in the giver. When we are on the receiving end, it’s important to remember that and not just feel guilty. I have a hard time accepting help, but I love to give it. I need to let go of my feelings of guilt and remember than I am not a burden. When friends offer help, they are doing it from their hearts.
I think it would help to just make sure that some of your activities are affordable. Treats are fine every once in awhile but not as a constant.
@Gwen H. Absolutely. And the treats should be relatively small, not showy. That would ruin the point of it.
When my friends and I try not to spend money, we have potluck dinners once a month at rotating houses. That way, all everyone has to do is prepare one dish to share and you get to spend real quality time with friends.
I think there is nothing wrong with you offering to pay for some special event that you really want your friend to attend. You just say: “I really want you to come and I want to pay for you, so you’re coming and that’s that! ”
Hopefully, he will be so touched that you want him to go that much, that he can’t say no. Just don’t make it a habit and it won’t be an insult.
@Robin Totally, if it feels like a one-time gift, my friend is more likely to accept it. I love the way you phrase it – “I really want you to come and I want to pay for you, so you’re coming and that’s that!” Plus, that way the offer is made discreetly ahead of the event, so I wouldn’t be making it public knowledge to the group that I am paying for my friend.
I have friends who are poor, by monetary definition and I often suggest cheap things for us to do. I’ve picked up the tab once or twice, but said friends are good people who generally decline any help/having the bill covered for them. I like to do it from time to time as a gesture of love, something I do with family (when they allow it). I think its ok from time to time as long as the friend isn’t one to take advantage. My friends I know wouldn’t do that and we help each other out in that sense, covering the others bills when our finances allow it.
@Alexis What sort of cheap activities do you like to do? What seems to work well with your less moneyed friends? Isn’t it strange that you can be really good friends with someone but offering to help them out financially can be such a difficult thing?
I think I would try to have a conversation with your friend. Be in a context where no one is having to pay for anything. Just throw it out there and see how they would feel if you hypothetically were to cover them for an occasional outing. You can frame more or less directly, but see how they feel before you force the situation onto anyone.
@The Wallet Doctor Interesting approach. I wonder what having a conversation about money would lead to? A closer relationship? Uncomfortable knowledge? I like talking about money with friends but never know how much to share – and I’m the Bargain Babe! Part of me is protective of my privacy, part of me says, who cares if they know how much we have in our bank account?! If I shared some of our financial challenges, it would send the message that I’m ok with sharing this info and I trust them.
I have a very good friend you has a lot less money than I do. When we do bike rides together, I consider it my privilege to pay for both of our lunches and snacks. My attitude is that although life is frequently unfair and there’s usually not much I can do about it, I can do a little bit here and there; and so I do what I can.
There’s a situation in one of C.P. Snow’s novels where there are two friends, one wealthy and one with very little money. They both realized that if they are going to do certain thing together, like concerts and plays, the wealthy friend would have to pay, and so he did. I see it as just accepting the reality of the situation – as long as both friends are comfortable with the arrangement. I would never make a friend fell uncomfortable or patronized, and I always accept when my friend asks to treat me.
@Jim What a great way around the money issue – bike rides!
My Dad is one of the more “well off” members of our family. Our family is very close and hangout all the time. My dad constantly has our family and friends over to our pool and provides food and drinks on the weekends. While he’s not necessarily picking up the tab, he does generously let everyone into and out of his home (and I’m sure what he spends on groceries and beverages isn’t cheap) . If someone is going to miss out on an experience because they can’t afford it he’ll always pay. He says their company is well worth the cost. For example, we’re planning a huge family vacation and someone couldn’t afford to go because of the cost of the hotel room, so he covered it. This has taught me that being generous when you can is well worth the extra cost. I, like my dad, think that experiences with people you love are much more valuable than money. So I would say help out when you can afford it. Your friend will appreciate the gesture and you’ll be rewarded with a fun night!
@Dacia Daly Your dad is very generous. It’s a wonderful lesson he’s taught you and your family – spending time with people is more important than dollar figures. As for hosting people at your own house – it adds up QUICK! Especially if there is booze involved. A few six-packs and bottles of wine, and there is $50 out the door. Party food is often more expensive that the regular food we eat everyday when it’s just immediate family, like cold cuts, deli salads, fancy cuts of meat, individual sized drinks, etc. I’m sure everyone appreciates it.
I am not financially well off – though I should be at my age. I would appreciate the invite more — and be able to decide what I would like to attend or not – and what I can afford. If friends go to the movies, I decline. I can see it for free when it comes out on dvd from the library. If it is an afternoon of shopping? Sure , I’ll go but I’ll be the one window shopping as they buy things. The experience is the same and I can laugh and have a good time along with them.
@Upstate NYer It’s wonderful to hear your perspective. Do your friends not offer to pay for you because they are unaware of your situation? Or maybe they think you’d be offended or are on tight budgets themselves?
At what age should one be financially well off?
My niece has accepted money (I don’t know how much) to go on a trip to the Caribbean for the 2nd time this year. Also, she has done the same to attend an out of state wedding of a friend of a friend.
She cannot afford these trips herself.
She feels that it’s fine to accept when someone wants to do “something nice” for you. Is this a healthy practice?
I think it really depends on the dynamics of the relationship. I think a good question to ask is: would she do the same for these people if she were able? Are they expecting anything in return?
I have a best friend who is truly a good person on so many levels. I took her in to live with me when she went through a divorce. She took care of me when I had cancer. We have been through thick and thin together . My only beef with her is that she has always been poor , so when we go do anything together I have to pay for it- for over 25 years now. . Most of the time I do it and don’t mind, but sometimes when I see that she buys something for her house or one of her grandkids and we are together and she gets hungry and I get us something to eat and pay for our food, I get angry about it. I mean, her little still spends like my more abundance does . I recently told her that I felt that way and she told me I was giving to her grudgingly and that I shouldn’t give grudgingly but to be encouraged because God would give back to me. I know that God does bless me , it’s just that I don’t appreciate having to pay when we are together because she says she doesn’t have it . I really don’t think it I right that I should have to pay for her . She is an adult too. Sometimes she offers to pay but then says she doesn’t have enough money to pay her light bill or whatever and what am I supposed to do ? I’m not an uncaring monster. So I end up paying for her but angry that she doesn’t have the money to be her own person and pay her on way . Also, whatever she wants I usually give her when we are together and her house is full of furniture, clothes, jewelry, etc as when I would buy me something, I’d buy her something . When I told her my feelings recently , it hurt her and me and we haven’t had a closeness since 4 days ago when I shared my feelings with her. I do love her and value her friendship but I do want her to be financially independent enough to buy herself what he needs or wants and even pay for her own trips and things that I usually pay for as I have had money to do this things . I’m praying that we can be close again but I’m honestly deeply hurt by her years of what I consider financially taking me for granted .
That sounds so hard, Karen! I understand your frustration. I hope you are able to make peace with your friend soon.
hi! I myself am also the poor one in every friend group, for example my friends will drop hundreds/thousands of dollars on things while I struggle just to afford food and medicine! I never ask them for help because I don’t want to be That Person, but no one ever really offers and I’m not gonna lie and say that the resentment doesn’t build up. If I were the friend you’re thinking about helping I’d say you absolutely should help; especially paying for those get togethers that you say he always has to miss out on. Speaking from experience, he probably feels like garbage whenever he is left out of them and no one offers to help. to us it gives the message that our friends actually don’t care about hanging out with us and can’t be bothered to make sure that we can attend the get together. Alternatively, your friend group could come up with ideas for get togethers that ALL of your friends can actually afford.