A friend of mine recently took a weekend trip to visit a state she had never been to and stayed with friends for two nights. The accommodations were as good as a top name hotel, the homemade meals delicious, and the hosts gracious. So what’s her problem?
Her hosts paid for EVERYTHING. Breakfast at Starbucks, groceries for meals at home, gasoline for the 2.5-hour drive to see a national monument, and dinner at a restaurant on the way back. They wouldn’t let her pay for ANYTHING.
“How hard do you insist on paying?” she asked me.
“It depends on the circumstances,” I said. “How do you know these people, again?”
She described them as long time family friends.
“Are they the type of people who enjoy paying for everything?” I asked.
“Yes, but we wanted to pay for something, at least symbolically,” she said. “But they wouldn’t let us.”
Now she’s back from vacation and having been treated at every chance she’s not sure what to do.
[poll id=”43″]
If you voted to send a gift, how much would you spend?
Welcome to Bargain Babe! I’m Mara, and I’m so glad you’re here. I am an obsessive bargain hunter and penny pincher, and I am determined to live a full life without EVER paying full price.
I voted for send a gift. I dont think the gift needs to be a lot. It could be a framed picture taken of all of you. Or a nice bouquet of flowers and a card thanking them for hosting you and showing you a good time.
I agree with Kristin A. A gift doesn’t have to be expensive. However, if you know a restaurant that they really enjoy, perhaps you could send a gift certificate or a nice bottle of wine.
I also voted for send a gift. The gratitude/guilt should show itself clearly in the gift. You can easily show your gratitude by picking a very careful treat for her hosts. Maybe they spoke of the fact that they have long wanted to buy some ‘thing’. Send it to them. Zingermans.com has some very interesting treats. They have something called Big Brunch or Bread Clubs. The clubs are gifts that keep on giving throughout the year.
Many people enjoy giving and caring for their guests. This should not stop you from being grateful and sending some of that gratitude along.
Your friend should total up what was spend on her and send a gift that make a kind nod to that dollar value. I am not saying that is has to be equal but should be at least 20% of all that was spend. Either that or invite them and be willing to do it exactly the same level they did.
I too voted to send a gift … I believe that a well thought out, personalized gift would be great. Like a gift basket filled with lovely things – items that are knowingly the hosts favorite things. Showing that you put thought, time, love and effort into preparing this gift basket. A framed captured memory added to the basket is a perfect basket addition too. Be personal when creating this token of your appreciation and show your friendship with more than just words.
Remember: Friendships are a precious gift, never to be taken lightly, or without much appreciation – give back and give often …
I agree. A gift is definitely a must from well-mannered people. These friends sound wonderful and you are very fortunate. If you can afford it, sending Fruit of the Month, Bakery Goodies of the Month ( I use Mrs. Beasley”s which gives a 15% discount if you are a AAA member. )
Nice suggestion, Sheila. Seems fruits and food baskets are a common gift for hosts.
I have guests in my home at least 6 months out of the year. I generally also pay for everything if we go out. I NEVER expect a gift, although the few times I have received something it was nice.
This is just something that I like to do. When I have stayed at a friends house, I make it a point to let them know that I would like to take them out the last night of my trip. I’ve never had them argue to pay when I’ve done this.
I disagree with Mellany about the gift being 20% of what the hosts spent. A small gift is appropriate, a big gift is repayment.
Junie, I agree with you. I think over calculating the amount of the hostess gift indicates you still feel guilty about accepting their generosity. Why not send a sincere token of your appreciation and be satisfied?
Since when is a hostess gift NOT the norm these days? I always give one, though sometimes I bring it, and if I can’t think of what to bring, then I take note of their decor, style, interests, etc. while visiting, and then send something nice (with a very nice hand written thank you note) after the visit. I don’t ever set a certain number…it’s just what feels right. Though, if I’d been to a friend’s home and they paid for everything AND had impeccable guest quarters, I would probably spend a little more…
A hostess gift is in order when you stay in the home of a friend, even if you pay your own way.
You used your friend’s home as your hotel. The cost of the gift should be equal to or greater than the amount you intended to spend on the vacation, had your hostess not insisted on picking up every tab.
If the host/hostess allows you to pay your own way in restaurants, etc. , a small thank you gift is is still in order.
For me, the issue is expressing appreciation—-not who has the most money and can best afford to treat.
Is there anyone who doesn’t understand this concept?
I voted to send a gift. The cost of the gift is not the issue…it should be something to show that you took the time to send something special just for them!
Excellent point, Louise! It is the thought that counts, not the dollar amount.
A lost art, showing grattitude – but when done from the heart – really expresses ALOT. Does not need to be expensive, it’s the thought and gesture that hold the meaning.
I think a gift is a very nice thank you. I don’t think the cost of the gift is important but the thought. A favorite restaurant or a Starbucks (if that’s where they go) is a nice way to say thanks. I also try to arrange to take my hosts out to dinner one night as a thank you.
16 years ago, friends did the same for me when i visited, they would not let me pay for anything. When I got back to calif, I racked my brain, to think of a gift. I sent a basket of calif fruit and nuts. Till this day they still mention the gift.
I always bring a little gift in these situations b/c this has happened to me more often than not! A thank-you note and gift card to a favorite restaurant (many chains are in multiple states across our country, this makes for a nice gift) fit easily into your purse/carry-on, and you can leave it on your bed as you walk out the door, to be found by the host/hostess as they clean up. 😉
I try to bring a gift with me that I know that they will enjoy, even if it;s just some homemade cookies that I know they love. After the visit, a gift tailored to their taste with a nice thank you note is appropriate. The cost is irrelevant. You don’t need to go into hock if you can’t afford an expensive gift as the friends probably know your situation. You don’t need to keep up with the Jones’, just been sincerely thankful.
If you know the people who will be hosting you really well, and have known them for a long time, it shouldn’t be too difficult to figure out what would please them. I always try to take a hostess gift with me when I’ll be visiting friends, one of whom likes white wine. Since my cousin has his own vineyard and winery in the Alexander Valley, I take a bottle of his excellent chardonnay as a gift, and it’s always appreciated. As long as the choice is personal, and accompanied by a hand-written note, your efforts will be appreciated.
If the hosts are Asian (Chinese, Indians, etc), it is traditional for them to pay, when you host, you pay for everything.
It is culture thing, however, your friend can bring some groceries, or gift for home while they were visiting and helping them in house chores such as dishes, making beds etc. I think that would work for most Asian families.
It’s nice to send a gift, but the rule, I gather is that if they host you … sometime in the future you should do the same for them.
A bit of insisting along the way on paying for some of the entertainment/food is also good.
The “host” shouldn’t rebuff your every attempt to pay. It’s a bit over the top.
I agree with you, Steve. I usually find that if I tell my hosts that I’d truly like to take them out to lunch or dinner, and name a specific place, including the fact it’s one of my favorites that I’d like to share with them, my invitation will be accepted. At other times, I might tell my hosts that I’ll be bringing lunch or dinner (depending on my arrival time), so that they don’t have to spend time preparing a “feast” for me.
I voted for send a gift. Maybe send something that reminds them of a memory. Maybe a picture of the time spent together, in a nice frame.
We vote for a follow-up gift. This situation occurred to us this summer when we visited friends in Nova Scotia. Since they refused payment, we treated them to a restaurant meal and later sent them a beautiful album of the photos we took during our stay. This was much appreciated!!