Trash or treasure? Items left behind by an old roommate.
SEE UPDATE BELOW.
If someone moves out but leaves stuff behind, do you have any obligation to return their possessions – at a cost of your own time and money – to them?
This is my dilemma. The easy answer is no. But when the possessions are sentimental (a yearbook, bible, picture album, and flask, pictured) and when the someone offers to pay postage, the answer is not black and white.
I’d still have to cover shipping materials and spend about an hour packaging and mailing the stuff. Not a ridiculous burden. But if these items were so important to this someone, who happens to be my husband’s former roommate, why didn’t he take them with him or arrange to procure them already? I’ve never met him and he hasn’t lived in this house for four years, so my sympathy for said roommate is
lower than Obama’s approval ratings. And I’ve already sent him mail he received at our house from the IRS, State of Rhode Island, and Social Security administration.
But…something told me I should offer to return the sentimental items to this guy. (His three large boxes of novels are going to the local friends of the library group).
So I asked to be paid for everything, including my time. Here’s my message to him, sent via Facebook (we are not friends but I tracked him down through another former roommate):
Hi Karl,
I went through your boxes in the attic and the only sentimental items I found were a bible, photo album, flask, and 2000-2001 yearbook. The rest are books, mostly novels. If you’d like the sentimental items, please have a friend come pick them up or send money to cover postage, packing supplies, and my time.
Thanks,
Julia
Have I crossed a boundary? The one between being a good Samaritan and a greedy stranger? I feel close.
UPDATE: So many great suggestions and questions that I decided to reply in-post, and let you all know how it turned out.
@Jeannie and @Erin Walsh Believe me, I asked my husband to contact Karl about this stuff, but after giving him a few months I decided I had to take it into my own hands. It just wasn’t a priority for him.
@Stan True, I do have a shoebox and old newspaper lying around. Asking him to cover packing materials was my passive aggressive side coming out. Plus, UPSP provides Priority Mail boxes for free.
@Ctcs I’m glad a stranger gave you your ATM money. As stressful as moving is, after four years of letting your stuff gather dust, that explanation no longer holds water.
@Valerie Thanks for backing me up!
@di I have been in the same situation as Karl. When I moved from LA to RI, my former roommate let me leave a few boxes in her basement. With her gentle reminders, I moved them all out within 1 year. (And did all the packing and paid for the shipping, of course). I believe each person is responsible for their own stuff.
@Jen B. I surprised you would let someone off the hook just because they are a “dude.” Why shouldn’t he be as responsible as the next person?
@CateS Karl never sent money the first time I contacted him about his stuff, many months ago. Which is why, this time around, I was much more direct about what I wanted him to do.
@Cheryl @Cathie Hehehe, exactly. That’s why I titled the post good Samaritan or greedy stranger. I felt like I was somewhere in the middle.
@Mabu It never crossed my mind that the tight economy might have contributed to my unwillingness to pay upfront to ship Karl’s stuff. A big piece of it was that I’ve never met him and he and my husband do not keep in touch. So he is not a friend of the family, but a guy who is almost a stranger.
I had mostly given into @Amy and @Michelle Ventresca’s reminders that karma would come back to bite me if I did not selflessly pack and ship Karl’s sentimental belongings. But my pointed email to Karl elicited a quick response – he would send two friends Sunday evening to pick up the items. They showed up and even took the two large boxes of books! Problem solved!!!!
Welcome to Bargain Babe! I’m Mara, and I’m so glad you’re here. I am an obsessive bargain hunter and penny pincher, and I am determined to live a full life without EVER paying full price.
I think the ex-roomie should cover the postage, but i don’t necessarily think you can charge him for your time. That falls under the Life Happens category…someday, you would hope that someone would repay the favor for you without a cash transaction involved. That said, I would have your husband do the packing and shipping. After all, as you said, it’s his former pal and you’ve never even met him. I vote that he should mop up, not you.
You want to charge for “packing materials”? Are you telling me that the Bargainbabe doesn’t have an old Amazon box and yesterday’s newspaper (for stuffing) lying around?
This isn’t fine china, I think ten minutes is more a realistic packing time, and depending on how far away from the post office you live, covers the rest of the time involved. Yes, this could be expensive to ship, since books are heavy, but all of this looks like it could be placed in a flat rate box. you might be out ten bucks at the most. If he covers it, great, if not, it will come back to you in the karma bank.
Moving is stressful. If the roommate is anything like me, stress made him forgetful. Not the same situation but I was so stressed one day I grabbed my ATM card and not the money. A lovely person chased me down the street to give me my money. In my right mind I would never leave money like that. So don’t stress about why former roomie left stuff behind. Asking for postage is fine. Asking for a service fee is fine if you’re delivering in person.
I agree with Amy, that Karma will come back to you…you can hope for a repayment of some kind, but realistically, most people will just say thank you. I would repay the person sending me my items, most definitely.
Julia,
I definitely agree with you position on the matter! Your time is valuable and if he really cares about the possesions, then it will be worth it to him.
If I were him, I would want to offer you something on my own initiative anyway. I would never expect a stranger to go through my belongings that I didn’t take the time to pack/move and send them to me! That’s crossing a line in my book.
Stick to your guns, girl. Healthy boundaries are a good thing!
going to the post office can be interesting but time consuming! you can go on line and order the flat rate boxes to be delivered to you. they come in packs of 10.free! you can buy the postage on line and then notify the p.o. that you have a package, they will come to your door to pick it up.no good deed goes unpunished, but i am the type that would do it anyway. and my life turned out better than i expected
I would only request for the actual shipping amount, agree that I could find box/shipping materials, and that while my time is valuable, but that is a freebie. There may be a time in future when its me, in that same situation.
the email is a considerate note.
First off, he’s a dude. I doubt anything residing in your attic has crossed his mind in the 4 years since he departed. Give him a break. Tell him you’ll gladly send him whatever he wants at his shipping expense but give him a finite window of time (like a month) or it will be disposed of then remind him weekly. if you get no response (and you know he isn’t out of the country or something), pitch it. Keep copies of all your emails just in case he gets sentimental and decides to take you to small claims.
My only question is that if it’s your husband’s old room mate and neither he or this guy have given any thought to it, why should you?
I would have told your husband, hey so and so still has some stuff in the attic, are you going to see if he still wants it, and let them work it out.
funny, you should mention this subject. About 25 years ago, i found snap shot photos and love letters on the top shelf of my kitchen cabinet. I recognized the person in the photos…a beautiful and sexy actress on a then popular tv show. The photos were not compromising, nor were the love letters (from various men).
It would have been easy to get the photos and letters back to her via her agent or publicist. But I decided to let sleeping dogs lie. I decided to incinerate the stuff and not run the risk of embarrassing her. Or worse, have the photos fall into the hands of the tabloids.(Some of the men in the photos with her were recognizable actors whom she dated).
The actress has since been linked to and photographed with many male celebrities. I suspect she has also received (and saved) a many more love letters and snapshots.
If I ever meet her, I will tell her. But chances are, it will never happen. In my heart, I know I did her a favor. And that’s enough for me.
It will be interesting to see if Karl sends a friend or money and if money, how much…
I agree with Jeannie, Di and others. Don’t charge for your time. It cheapens you, and like mentioned, it’s one of those “life happens” moments. Someday you may be glad someone did the right thing for you out of the goodness of their heart.
Julia, once you start charging from your time, you lose the title of “Good Samaritan.”
Charging for your time and packaging materials sounds gauche. How much would it be to mail it? I’d probably ask “Hey, do you want this stuff?” If he really wants it, he’d probably offer to pay for shipping. But if not…well, you *could* crack open the bible and see that the original Good Samaritan paid from his own pocket to help a stranger….
I would have emailed him mentioning the items found in the attic and, if he lives in town, ask him when he would pick them before a specific date (30 days is reasonable). If he was no longer in town, I would ask him what he wanted done with the items. The post office has special book rates.
The items may or may not have any sentimental value to the person and he may just rather them be discarded. If he wants the items and the postage is less than $10, I’d just take the high road unless the money is really a burden.
I once had a wallet stolen when I was out of town and a good samaritan found it and called the person to contact in case of emergency and I was able to pick it up and get it back. The money was gone but the credit cards were still there (I had already notified the credit card companies) Had I left the area, I would have hoped that he wouldn’t ask for any money as a reward to return it.
You may leave something behind one day when you move, or lose something on a street or in a hotel room and be unaware until later.
What goes around comes around.
Some really good suggestions! And then, of course, let us know what you decided and how it worked out.
I would excuse your uncharitable gesture to a friend of the family down to the new economic reality where every cent must count. It a costly gesture which you must consider carefull but everything must not be veiw through economic perspective less we loose the very essence of begin, to be loved and shown love at all cost.
@BB ~ I was out of town (in Santa Barbara) for a long weekend, and missed this original post. I think you’re absolutely right to have done things your way. Being the mother of 3 sons, I can vouch for the fact that “dudes” often (and usually) need a boot in the posterior before they’ll do the considerate thing. I love the outcome! What you did was not only correct, but it worked to get the solution you wanted/needed! YIPPEE!!!!!
@EllieD Thanks Ellie! I’m just glad I didn’t have to lug all his stuff to the post office. Taking a hard line can lead to action. Now we just have to work at donating/tossing our own stuff!