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A friend of mine lives in a part of the country where expenses are so high that nearly every couple works two high-paying jobs and still struggles financially. So how do they get buy?
The answer shocked me – they accept money from their parents.
“It’s not a matter of whether you do or do not accept money from your parents,” she said. “But how much.”
My friend was talking about more than simple birthday or Christmas gifts. For her and her friends, parental�cash flow�affects the household’s bottom line.
Some parents send a check every month. Others give generously at holidays, provide extensive child care, or�pay for entire family�vacations. Still other parents pay for school tutition or�establish college funds for grand kids.
It can be difficult for grown adults to accept money from parents. Many people turn it down because of pride. Others are held up by particulars. Does there needs to be a written contract? How do you ask for more, or less? Most importantly, is it possible to have “no strings attached”?
A contract is not usually necessary, but depends on what everyone involved is comfortable with. Asking for more or less comes down to explaining the request and being able to accept the answer – and additional strings. Because after the agreement is made, what lingers is the strings.
Financial gifts nearly always come with strings attached. And the bigger the gift, the more strings there are.
For instance, my Mom used to send me $100-$300 every month in college. I had a�family credit card for groceries, but everything else was on me – clothes, movies, subway tokens – and the paycheck from my�part-time job didn’t go far. There were few strings attached to this money, partly because it was a relatively low dollar amount. (Though it did encourage me to call home every week.)
Years later when Hubby and I prepared to buy a condo, my Mom advanced me a large portion of my inheritance so that I could contribute to the downpayment. We wrote up a simple agreement about the terms and both kept a signed copy. The rules were very clear, which made it easier on both of us. The money came with one very strong string – it was not to be used for anything else.
Some years after the condo advance, my Mom offered another fiscal carrot. If I moved back to California (I remained in New York City after graduating) she would give me her car, worth about $10,000. The money came with a very clear string – a California address – and it was one I was happy to accept.
There is nothing wrong with taking money from parents as long as two conditions exisit. The support has got to benefit both sides (don’t take money from parents who can’t afford it). And both sides must agree to and accept the strings attached.
[poll id=”54″]
Welcome to Bargain Babe! I’m Mara, and I’m so glad you’re here. I am an obsessive bargain hunter and penny pincher, and I am determined to live a full life without EVER paying full price.
Honestly, I think this is a very loaded topic and can’t easily be summarized in a quick and easy pick on an online poll.
There are so many variables that factor into the decision or reality of accepting money from your parents — are you responsbile with money yourself? are you parents actually not doing you a service by offering it to you? if eventually they are going to have a few million left when they die, might it be better for them to gift to you over time and now when it could be more helpful? are they giving equally to all the kids in the family? how does your spouse/partner feel about the gifts?
I hope everyone realizes that it’s way more complicated an discussion than a quick click of “Are you kidding me? Absolutely not” or “Sure, if it made sense.”
“It’s not a matter of whether you do or do not accept money from your parents,” she said. “But how much.”
Hmmm…My husband and I have supported both sets of parents all our lives including paying for mortgages, cars, even funerals. No one paid for college for us. Does this woman understand that there is a whole other world out there?
I can’t believe the thought of “It’s not a matter of whether you do or do not accept money from your parents,” she said. “But how much.” I have taken money from my parents as a portion of my down-payment on my house, and my mom co-signed. I would not be comfortable taking money from my parents on an on-going basis. Live more cheaply. Get a second job. Move.
If you parents are very wealthy perhaps this is an appropriate option, but are you willing to support them financially once they run out of money because they supported you?
When my parents were alive I did deal with “HOME SAVINGS”. When I bought my car they loaned me money. I made up a payment schedule which included interest – usually the mid-point between what the bank wanted for the car loan and what my parents could get for their money leaving it in the bank. It was a win-win situation for both of us. I repaid every cent on time.
If you can’t live on what you make you may need to scale down your lifestyle and expectations. What will you do when your parents are dead and you are stuck paying for a funeral. It will be a very rude awakening for you when you have no inheritance to supplement your spending because you used it all up while your parents were still alive.
Remember, if your parents use up their savings cushion, they may have to move in with YOU!!!
I think accepting money from your parents because you can’t afford your lifestyle is ridiculous. Our parents provided enough for us when we were growing up and I believe that as an adult, it’s my turn to “pay back” whatever I can. My 34 year old brother and his wife take money from my parents or borrow money from them all the time so they can afford to have their cars, yet they have the money to host parties for their friends. They also have a 1 year old daughter and another on the way. They both have very good paying jobs, but because of bad decisions, they are constantly in debt. I find fault with adults that take/borrow money from their parents, but I assign just as much fault to parents that enable that kind of behavior. If you can’t buck up and deal with your financial situation and live with your means, that’s your own problem. It feels like the concept of taking responsibility for your actions has gone out the window in the last 20 years.
My parents generously helped me through college, but now that I’m on my own, it’s important that I be on my own. If I couldn’t afford my lifestyle without help from my parents, that would be a sign to me my lifestyle needs changed.
I’m stunned at the idea that couples with two high-paying jobs would consider accepting handouts from their parents. I understand that a handout might be necessary if one has lost a job or is just starting out, but at a certain point, one should not be relying on one’s parents. I question whether expenses are really that high or if its that such couples have always lived beyond their means and have always been bailed out by others. I’d love to know where these couples live and why they still live there.
Money from parents?? I don’t think it is a bad thing as long as you live with your them.
Maybe a one time gift or loan toward a mortgage or school, but as a general rule absolutely not. Parents are supposed to raise kids to be independent responsible adults, not to lead their lives as dependent children. I think continually accepting money from parents is outrageous.
my father, God rest his soul, helped me and my family as needed, He was able too, and only when we needed it. I did not feel bad about asking for help, some parents are okay with it.
Now, I help my daughter, who moved out of state, she is needing some assistance, and I can afford too. I dont see anything wrong in doing so, my hope is that someday she will be doing so for her children, if needed.
My inlaws paid for a cruise for my husband and I last year. This trip encluded my brother-in-law and girlfriend who couldn’t have gone in my inlaws had not paid. My husband had no problem accepting it.
I do believe most of us have accepted help/large gift from our parents at one time or another in our adult life. I think the problem comes when it becomes habitual instead of an occational thing.
The problem with our society (and why so many readers identify with BB’s website premise of saving money where we can) is that we tend to live beyond our means. My in-laws are in that category, trying to retire but not able to afford their lifestyle if they do. Their “golden” years will be a downsizing event of huge proportions. Their daughter is angry that very little money will be left for her to inherit. I’m not: as long as we don’t end up paying for THEM, we’ll all be happy.
The fact that this title even made it into the business section sums up how bad entitlement issues to our children – of all ages – has become. Julia – How about writing an article titled “There’s no shame in moving into a more affordable neighborhood”, “There’s no shame in working a 2nd Job”, “There’ no shame in skipping a vacation”, or “There’s no shame in eating at home on Saturday nights”.
I unfortunately have always had huge medical bills that come with my disability. My dad taught me the value of really good medical insurance a long time ago, so when I was able to work I always bought the best I could because in the long run we saved tens of thousands of buciks. I’m usually in the hospital a couple times a year or more. My husband is also disabled, which is recent, but when I was working unfortunately his job was taking care of me and ensuring I could work. It was the best we could do in our situation because I couldn’t stay at home alone at the time, and I had the better education so i could actually get the job with the better pay and the better insurance. But still I never made a lot. There were months taht we had to borrow from my parents to get by because I missed so much work that I didn’t get a paycheck. I hated it, and it was demeaning and upsetting because I feel like a failure when I do. It’s a matter of needing to feel like an independent adult in my case, because I REALLY feel that when you move out, you’re saying you’re a capable adult fully responsible for yourself and your expenses. Especially if you’re married and/or have kids. I still have to get help from them, because we live on a tiny disability income. I blog but haven’t made anything yet. We live very simply and haven’t had a vacation since 2004 but it’s OK. I want to take as little from them as posible and my in-laws just cannot afford to help. They made bad decisons themselves and have a 44 year old son who still lives at home. That’s scary because it’s my husband’s brother and I dont know what’s going to happen to him when my in-laws are gone. They’re almost 70 and unhealthy. I have already told my husband I refuse to live with him for various reasons (he walks around the house in sweatpants that have a hole in the crotch is my one reason). I’m praying we don’t divorce over that. They have not provided for his care nor have they told him to put back any of his disability check. He spends it on computers and porn within 3 days of getting it. He won’t even save the $15 it takes to buy his medicine and see the doctor, his parents have to buy it.
People who blow money and then expect their parents to pick up the tab make me sick. Yes, I did it when i was a kid a couple of times and the shame in going to my parents for money really made me sick to my stomach. I was taugh better. But having to take money because of catastrophic events just can’t be avoided sometimes.
It sounds like the friend is used to living above her means because it should never be a given to ask for money to goet buy when you have 2 well-paying jobs. Use coupons, cut back, and wear hand me downs. That’s ridiculous, if there’s no other reason than spending too much.
Bottom line and I took a long time to get here I know, is that there’s always more to the story than yes or no or how much. Adults should be adults, and take responsibility for themselves.
I wouldn’t take money from my folks because they don’t have any. And my mom sent some money for my kids for Christmas but there were strings attached. i sent it back.
What if the parents have more than enough money to go around? I struggle with the fact that my wife and I accept money on a regular basis and large sums whenever we have a major lifestyle change. They’re not going to run out and my kids are better off for it, but there’s a part of me that would really like to be able to provide the resources myself.
what if they just want to give you 25$ just because they love you…. do you take it?