One of life’s annoyances is that freezers are always three-quarters full when really, they are empty. Don’t know what I mean?
Last night I was looking for freezer space for my groceries, and saw pizza sauce, mashed potatoes, cubes of chicken broth…I think. I can’t really tell!
Rather than admit defeat I close the door to think. I need to make room, but I can’t toss these indecipherable packages and containers because I have been paying to freeze them all this time. They must be valuable – and edible – if I put them in there!
Which brings us to the first law of freezers. The longer an item remains in the freezer the less likely you are to throw it away OR EAT IT.
I call this the grandfather rule. In practice, ancient items have grandfathered rights to remain in the freezer.
The problem is these inedible edibles are taking up valuable real estate. How am I supposed to be a freezer diva when all I can stash in my icebox is one measly pizza pocket? It’s embarrassing, I tell you.
Worst of all, my frozen foodstuffs mock me.
Have you ever tried to put a carton of ice cream on top of a grandfathered tenant? Immediately slides off and jams the door before you can slam it shut. It’s as if all the old tenants pass around a bottle of olive oil and lather up so nobody can cozy up to them.
This is the second law of freezers. Old = oily.
If you are lucky, you will close the freezer completely on the seventh try. (Yes, I leave the freezer bursting precariously and yes, I make sure not to be the next person who opens it.)
Yesterday, after a late-night run to Albertons, which is having a massive sale through Tuesday, I came face to face with my grumpy old tenants. Oh, I’ll outsmart you this time, I thought when I returned with three whole chickens, two cartons of ice cream and one pint of sorbet. (Not to mention 11 boxes of cereal, all on super sale.)
The sorbet popped into the door on top of a bag of chili peppers (I’m testing how long they freeze. Three years and counting!) I jammed one ice cream container into a bag of frozen peas, and I rearranged two packages of hot togs to make room for a chicken. I shoved the second ice cream carton into a bag of hamburger buns and stuffed another chicken on top. That leaves one more chicken. Into the fridge with you!
The door stayed shut, but 
I know my tenants will get the better of me soon. So this morning I decided to confront them once and for all.
I opened my freezer and evicted every last edible and inedible package, above. Get moving, granny!
Here are the shady characters I have been renting to this entire time. Items in italics are bound for the trash.
4 D, 2 C and 2 AA batteries
1 small bag of breadcrumbs
1 tupperware of breadcrumbs
8 frozen strawberries
Full loaf of bread
1 bag of chili peppers
2 frozen cheese and chili tamales
Small bottle of Jeager with one shot left
2 containers of Hubby’s chili dated 1/9/08 and 9/22/07
Tube of limeade syrup
7 containers of chicken broth
1 freezer-burned chicken carcass (for making broth – as if I needed more!)
7 half-full containers of pizza sauce
1 serving of mashed potatoes
4 veggie burgers (unopened)
1 baggie of gray, freezer-burned chicken meat
1 small, 1 large bag chopped peppers
7 hot dog buns
8 hamburger buns
4 mini pita rounds
2 empty plastic bags
3 slices of bread
2 1/4 chunks of unsliced bread
4 slices of bread
1 unopened package of vegetables
2 cracked containers of beef gravy
1 bag edamame
1/2 bag pork wontons
2 whole chickens
1 lb ground turkey
2 packages of hot dogs
4 chicken thighs (in two bags)
5 completely unidentifiable packages
3 cold sports packs for icing joints
1 blue eye mask
1 bag peas
2 bags chopped green and red peppers
6 potato rolls
1/2 bag petite onions
1 rolling cloth (for dough)
1/2 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequilla
2 mini empanadas
1 bag french toast
1 container sorbet, two boxes of ice cream
6 otter pops
4 cubes of potatoes
1/2 package green beans
2 tiny balls of dough
1/2 lb sliced turkey breast
I wiped down the freezer, re-arranged the items by category (from the bottom up, bread/veggies; meat; anything in tupperware; misc.), and snapped a picture for you all to see evidence of the third freezer law. Sometimes you have to throw stuff out. Notice the top shelf is half-empty. Success!
Welcome to Bargain Babe! I’m Mara, and I’m so glad you’re here. I am an obsessive bargain hunter and penny pincher, and I am determined to live a full life without EVER paying full price. 
You are too funny! I really enjoyed reading this — because I also often have a few grandfathered freezer tenants. I also have a chest freezer so it I have even more room for “tenants”.
I think every one of us can relate. One thing I tend to do is label and date my items. Then I make a list of what I have in the freezer, and how much. This has been a big help, but believe me, I can still relate to the article. Thanks for the pictures, too!
Oh my I was killing myself laughing inside reading this. you couldn’t have written it any better!!! Especially the grandfathered items being oily! i don’t know how many times i’ve tried to hold the item in with two to three fingers and shut the door at the last second just to keep stuff from falling out.
That’s it, tonight i need to go on a cleaning rampage in the freezer since tomorrow is garbage day.
What do you think about keeping some sort of wipe board or notepad or something that tells you what is in the freezer so you don’t make a double batch or buy something you’ve already been saving?
I’m glad I’m not the only one who thought it was funny! Melanie, your suggestion for keeping a note pad or wipe board detailed freezer contents is a good one. I’m going to tape the list I made this morning on the freezer!
My side by side died and I got a fridge with a bottom freezer (I’m very short). That’s even worse, 1 drawer and one shelf. Not only can’t you stack stuff but you can’t find things either and really tend to forget they are there.
I say put a date on everything and have regular purges. Anything that hasn’t been used in whatever time limit works for you gets 86’ed. Just admit to yourself that not everything that might be eaten is going to be.
If you can’t find something in the freezer when you might use it, you’ll probably open a new container, and it will later get added to its several siblings already hiding somewhere in the lower depths of your frozen treasures.
Get a cat.
7 containers of chicken broth?
7 half-full containers of pizza sauce?
I know, it’s ridiculous! I had NO idea. 🙂
I label and rotate my stock. I have a top freezer with my refrigerator in the kitchen. This is where I keep items I will be likely to use within the next 2-3 weeks. I have a chest freezer that stores items bought in bulk and on sale at good prices. These are dated/labeled. This is where the stock for the kitchen freezer comes from.
I have learned to only purchase the items we use on a regular basis so that I do not have “tenents”.
My prob is no shelves in my top of fridge freezer. Veggies and such come in bags that you can’t stack, so it’s always a prob. I dread opening it. Any ideas (besides getting my landlord to provide me with the right size shelves). Even then YOU CAN’T STACK THE DAMN BAGS!!
I love the ideal Melanie has to use a wipe board. I write thing on 2×3 card but that is better then you can just erase what you take out. If you have the date on the board you can looked for the oldest item to use before they expire. Good tips. Keep up the good work.
I have always had a top freezer and have not had enough room to have stuff that is ancient. But I still like to go in and clear things out even if they actually
might still be good, but I feel that if it hasn’t been
eaten by a decent amount of time (variable according
to my mood) say a couple of months, then I am
unlikely to use it . Then it just bothers me to see
the stuff in there. Sometimes in life there is waste.
Sometimes space is worth wasting something
that might be edible but I know I will never use it.
I actually enjoy throwing it out!
I think you have been sneaking into my kitchen in the middle of the night and scrutinizing my freezer!
I’m inspired and going into the kitchen now to evict!
I know that “shove into freezer & slam door quick” move. I can also relate to the 1/2 bags or containers of stuff. I think I will follow your example and pull everything out and dump and reorganize. Thanks for such an entertaining article.
Wow! I totally identify with your situation, as well as all the others. What a hoot! Now I’m more motivated to “gut” the chest freezer, and thin out the fridge-top freezer.
As for bags of veggies… Stack meat trays on each other (side by side, if needed), and put veggies on top. Whack the packages ’til they flatten a bit, and you’ll be able to store 2 or 3 family-size bags of veggies. Move those bags to the freezer door storage when they get smaller.
oh jeeeez, this post was hilarious! You’re sooo funny, Julia
I think everyone has this problem! I remember reading about the freezer life of foods and thinking ‘I should remember this.’ Baked goods retain their quality in the freezer only about 3 – 4 months because the freezer sucks out their moisture. Ice cream and other frozen desserts – when you see that layer of ice on top, it’s time to toss it because that’s the moisture migrating; the texture under the ice layer is usually grainy and unpleasant. I think fruits and vegies are good for about 6 months. Not that I usually remember to clear out that stuff. . .
My freezers are jammed full, but I have two freezer-cleaners coming: teenage grandsons. After the locusts have departed, I’ll cull through what’s left–if anything.
I bought one of those wire shelves from BBBY, and cable-tied it to the wire shelf in my freezer. Now I have an extra shelf, so things aren’t stacked so high on each other. This would also work if you didn’t have any shelves – just buy a couple of them.
Another tip is to label the bags along the bottom seam/fold. This way, when you stack them in the freezer, you can still see the labels.
I’ve also repackaged Costco stuff into smaller bags. Sometimes I cut up the original bag, and trim it to fit in the smaller bag. This way I can still recognize the packaging
And I do the wipe-board idea too. Big Lots had some 8×10 for $2 a while back . . . .
Speaking of those sports ice packs – if you need but don’t have them, a bag of frozen veggies will do in a pinch…
For those frozen bags of vegis I have a clear container (rectangular so it fits) and put them in this. When I need vegis I pull out the container.
All this was in your refrigerator freezer? You sure do know how to pack!
Try keeping certain shelves dedicated to specific items: i.e. bread stuffs, frozen meals, meat/vegis, etc
I hurt myself laughing! I see your “5 completely unidentifiable packages” and raise you to seven! I’m really good at freezing orphaned slices and chunks of bread, because someday I’ll “make bread pudding with them.” Right. Maybe we’ll enjoy that dessert when that bread can make itself into bread pudding.
And all the turkey carcasses I’ve saved for “stock”…unfortunately, one must actually cook them to get the stock out of them–it won’t just magically fall out of the picked-over bones while it stays in the freezer. Excuse me…I gotta go clean my freezer…
OK–I’m completely cracking up! I did a purge of my freezer last week and I actually found part of my wedding cake–from two years ago. Gross! My husband and I just decided to start using the old mammoth freezer in our basement that used to belong to his grandparents. I have been toying with the idea of getting a foodsaver–does anyone know if this thing works and keeps the freezer burn away?