Bargain Hubby with Simba
This is a post I never wanted to write, but coming clean seems the best thing to do. I’m writing this post because it no longer makes sense to hide the fact that my husband and I are getting divorced. In the past I have shared stories from my personal life – how I went from jazz to journalism and why I don’t blog on Sept. 11 – but sharing my heartbreak and his had no place on BargainBabe.com. Until now.
I moved out almost a year ago after months – no years – of thinking, and talking, and crying. Day by day, as I examined what had always been in front of me, I realized Bargain Hubby and I were on one path, and I wanted to be on another. So I packed my things and left.
Starting anew was sad and overwhelming. I am lucky to have a very supportive family and friends who talked and hugged me through each day. More importantly, I am lucky to have married a man who remained as generous and open-hearted in separation as he was in marriage.
I said a private goodbye to Bargain Hubby a few days before my move to Rhode Island and asked him if he had any thoughts on how – if at all – to tell BargainBabe.com readers that we were getting divorced.
“How about an ‘Ode to Hubby’post?” he said. How about it.
Here is a short list of the many things my husband Andrew taught me. Thank you, Andrew, for many wonderful years. I will remember them fondly.
- Have fun everyday.
- Learn how to fight fairly.
- Ordering the best dish on the menu is an art. (I’m still learning.)
- Pull over and watch the sunset. It’s worth it.
- Call muggins when playing cribbage no matter who your opponent is, including your wife the sore loser.
- Experiment in the kitchen.
- Think twice before you trash something. (A dirty black poncho doubled as a rain tarp more times than I can recall; wires can make anything happen around the house.)
- Give hugs liberally.
- Bring another jacket. (I always get cold.)
- Ultimate Frisbee really is the greatest sport ever invented by man.
- Accept your love for who they are and don’t try to change them. If you can’t, you are setting the relationship up for failure.
- Being with someone who always wants to dance, and I mean always, really is wonderful.
- Believe in yourself. You are a star.
UPDATE: Thank you, dear readers, for your wonderfully supportive comments. I am touched.
July 30th, 2010 at 6:57 am
I read your blog each week and find it so helpful – I’m a pastor in Greenville SC. Your blog on your divorce touched me deeply – I’ve seen so many ugly, nasty ones, that seeing one done on a civil playing field really touched my heart – thank you for being so vulnerable I wish you God’s best in your new location and pursuits…
Steve Keyes
July 30th, 2010 at 7:03 am
What you’re going through is so hard. It’s great that the two of you stayed civilized…and best wishes in your new life.
July 30th, 2010 at 10:25 am
Aw, Julia. You’re making *me* cry. I’m so glad that both of you are still in my life. Now, when we go biking, “let’s meet in the middle” just has a very different meaning
July 30th, 2010 at 10:36 am
always stay friends, it makes everything easier. Hang in there, it gets better with time.
July 30th, 2010 at 10:37 am
I wish you the very best of luck, Julia. I can just imagine how hard this must be for you. Thank you for your amazing blog as well as your honesty. Your loyal readers will follow you no matter where you go, although we will miss your locally oriented posts.
July 30th, 2010 at 10:56 am
I agree; that’s wonderful that you’re both being civil. It’s the smartest and best thing people can do.
Everyone should be like this. It would take an awful lot for me to not be at least civil to an ex. I’m talking abuse or severe cruelty.
July 30th, 2010 at 11:05 am
So very, very sad to hear this Julie but, unfortunately, it happens.
It sounds like you and Bargain Hubby can still remain friends, which I know would be the hardest thing about losing my husband – as he is sort of my best friend.
I wish you both happiness as you start this new chapter in your lives.
July 30th, 2010 at 11:08 am
I am sorry to hear about your divorce. I too am going through something very similar. I am glad you have a great support system and that you guys are civil. I hope you find a new happiness when you are ready, and I look forward to contiuing to read your blog. Thanks for everything.
July 30th, 2010 at 11:09 am
You are brave to admit the failure and move on.
I wish the best of luck to you and Andrew in your new lives.
July 30th, 2010 at 11:17 am
Beautiful post Julia. I am a loyal reader and suspected this part of your story after recent posts and comments, as I’m sure others may have. While I don’t feel that you ever “owe” your reading public an explanation about anything in your personal life, I thought it was nice that you chose to share this. This is why I read your blog, you are real.
Best of luck and much happiness to both you and BargainHubby.
July 30th, 2010 at 11:23 am
Congratulations Julia on your new beginning. Here’s to your wonderful future life, as a beautiful single lady (but not for long I am sure..)
Much love
x
July 30th, 2010 at 11:24 am
Thanks for sharing such a personal post. It sounds as if you have figured out what and how to do the next chapter, in such a dignified and compassionate way. I have great faith that you will unfold the future in the same manner. Wishing you and your husband a wonderful life,
Grandma Gay
July 30th, 2010 at 11:33 am
Your post is touching and I think you should be very proud of your ability to be honest with yourself and what your former relationship was both providing you and not providing you.
You seem to be a wonderful person and I’m certain you will continue to draw positive energy your way.
July 30th, 2010 at 11:46 am
I’m so proud of you. You never had a bad thing to say about BargainHubby in all the years you were together, and you’ve touched many hearts with your positive tribute to him as you go your separate ways. My hope for you is that you find just as valuable a relationship in your future, as there were so many general life qualities you and Andrew had together. You’re a kind, caring person with an independent spirit, and I wish you nothing but a long, happy future. Big ol’ hugs, as always ~ E :O)
July 30th, 2010 at 11:51 am
I have enjoyed reading your blog – and now I have the utmost respect for you writing about a very personal issue.
Having gone thru a bitter divorce (and
“after” life) I commend you guys for being adults and remaining friends.
PS – thirlled you’re on the East Coast now!!
July 30th, 2010 at 11:58 am
You are a star . . . shining brightly wherever you are! Thank you for sharing. We’ve been loyal readers since your Daily News days. We wish you only the best. Fondly, Susan
July 30th, 2010 at 12:05 pm
Oh Julia:
I’m a fervent reader since the daily news column.
I always enjoyed bargain hubby comments or post. And I wonder where was bargain hubby on frugal festival this year since last year he was there but I just thought that he had and emergency or something since he would always support your efforts.
I know how you must feel. I too lost my hubby over a lesbian. Can you say what? He’s straight and her? well,,,, not so lesbian. When the “best friend” relationship was in full bloom I confronted her and she told me she was lesbian and that my husband would be impossible to cheat on me that I didn’t have ANYTHING to worry about well at that time I was 7 months pregnant and I said to my self maybe she’s telling the truth and would have compassion with me and my kids. Well wasn’t even a month when they started even harder at it and now my baby barely turn 4months yesterday.
Recently, I got a confession from my husband and his “love for her”
I feel so betrayed and depressed my whole world collapsed he’s my best friend and soulmate. I love him with all my heart mind and soul. And now I’m all alone with my kids. I don’t know what’s better with kids like me or without. Now I think your decision of moving far away is the best decision in order to move on.
I would love to do the same if I could but with kids is a little bit difficult especially if you don’t have a very supportive system like you. But away will be easier to move on with your life.
There’s a saying in spanish “Ojos que no ven, Corazon que no siente” Translated would go something like “What you don’t see you can’t feel” So, if you don’t see your hubby it will be easier to forgive and forget and move on.
Cheers and Blessings on our journey.
Love
Sad
July 30th, 2010 at 12:34 pm
good for you i hope your life works out i felt like you are part of my internet family sorry to see u got and wish you good luck without him
July 30th, 2010 at 12:47 pm
sorry, but i think you let a good, caring man go!!! I guess if you don’t feel your in love with him–you have 1 life, & must move on!!!
good luck
maybe your paths will cross again 1 day!
July 30th, 2010 at 12:51 pm
It’s important to remain friends with your ex. I still talk to my ex every day about nothing important.
And decisively older than you I have been divorced for 33 years. We realize we are not suited to be together. And that my current wife of 32 years is more tolerant of my ways.
I’ve been reading you since your daily news days and thank you Better Homes & Gardens photo is just great.
Good luck in Rhode Island
July 30th, 2010 at 3:26 pm
I disagree with one of the posters who spoke of ‘failure’. I went through all that leads up to divorce, and divorce itself (and we stayed friends) and a part of me still mourns the death of the marriage. We had been together 17 years.
That’s how I see it: A marriage, good or bad, is more than the sum of the two people, it has a life of its own. After 25 years I can still remember the good times and still learn and grow from them and in the 25 years I’ve come to learn much from the not-so-very-good times.
While I am sorry to hear about the split (and having some idea of what it costs you) I am happy you had/have the strength to make the right choices for yourself.
Good luck, good times and best wishes to both of you.
July 30th, 2010 at 4:14 pm
Julia, you are not just the bargain babe, you are one classy babe. This is a lovely posting.
July 30th, 2010 at 4:56 pm
Julia,
I am so sorry for what you have been going thru. I am so impressed at your being so mature and wise as to part on good terms. I wish you all the best in your new life in Rhode Island – what a challenge! I am sure a lovely classy lady like you won’t be single for long.
Hugs, Marie
July 30th, 2010 at 5:26 pm
Although it may be the most difficult time of your life, hang in there. It gets better and easier with time. I have never regretted my decision to do this, and I’ve never been happier. Best wishes to you. “What doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger.”
July 30th, 2010 at 5:43 pm
Short, sweet & wonderful. Good luck to both of you.
July 30th, 2010 at 6:31 pm
Julia,
Kudos to you for the post. Having gone thru my own divorce many years ago I now first hand that it can be a difficult time indeed. Good for you for remaining friends. A good friend is a treasure. Best wishes to you in all you pursue in Rhode Island. I will continue to look forward to your posts as I have since following your column in the DN. You rock!
July 30th, 2010 at 8:01 pm
Wow, I had no idea. I went through a similar divorce a couple of years ago, and even though it was hard at the time, we are both better off and much happier now for the decision. It definitely isn’t easy, but sometimes the most adult thing you can do is admit that you need to go separate ways. I wish you both the best as you embark on the next chapter of your life!
July 30th, 2010 at 8:11 pm
This is wonderful that you’re able to divorce very civally……..and hopefully remain friends. You wrote a beautiful note about it! Like the pastor said, I’ve seen so many nasty divorces that it’s great to see one where you don’t leave the marriage feeling terrible and hating each other.
Good luck to you, Julia!
July 30th, 2010 at 8:22 pm
I agree….very classy…thank you for sharing…
July 31st, 2010 at 1:26 am
Julia,
I am so sorry for what you and Andrew are going through. What a wonderful post. Will pray for both of you. You didn’t owe us any explanation, but I suspect you wanted to “pay tribute” to Andrew for what you did have together. How thoughtful of you.
July 31st, 2010 at 10:28 am
Thank you for sharing, Julia. Wow. We can all learn a lesson from you two. Simba is beautiful!
Best of luck to you in this new chapter and thank you again.
July 31st, 2010 at 10:49 am
Julia, stay strong, and thank you for sharing. From personal experience, I know it wasn’t easy.
July 31st, 2010 at 11:36 pm
gosh, he sounds wonderful if he taught you all those things… are you sure you want to let him get away???
August 1st, 2010 at 7:15 pm
My love to both of you, I know of your pain and I see better days ahead as you two travel through life as friends.
August 1st, 2010 at 7:24 pm
May both of you find happiness in your new situations. You both deserve it!
August 2nd, 2010 at 8:40 pm
Bargain Babe, you are a very classy lady and I’m glad you and Bargain Hubby will remain friends. It takes much courage to share a personal part of your life with your readers and I admire you for doing so. Best of luck to both of you. We love you very much.
August 4th, 2010 at 10:18 am
Thank you for sharing what is really a personal, private thing. I wish you both the very best.
Question though, why Rhode Island? Will you have your support team there with you? We all support you but it’s really not the same.